Two weeks to go....

Does two weeks sound like a lot or a little time?  For me, it depends on how I'm feeling at the time.  If I'm struggling to find a comfortable spot to sleep or to get off the couch, I think two weeks is forever.  When I'm remembering the pain of a c-section and the sleep deprivation of life with a newborn, it feels like a very, very short time.  In any case, here are some of the thoughts running through my head as I anticipate our new little bundle...

• I am, unfortunately, starting to recall the fallout of birthing a child: generally feeling gross, not being able to laugh (too, too painful), walking around like an old woman, horrifying mesh underpants, new stretch marks, crazy hormones, nursing stress, dealing with an occasional less-than-stellar nurse, and requiring Alex's help more than I'd normally like.
• Up until a couple days ago, naming our little guy was massively stressing me out.  We've had a list of about 5 or 6 names for months now, but every time I've decided on one, I HATE it within 24 hours.   For some reason, watching The Hurt Locker inspired me to finally put my foot down and say, "Alex, let's name this baby right now."  I guess the naming process felt a little like diffusing a bomb: tricky, important, and you really, really, don't want to make a mistake.  So, we picked one and 48 hours later, I still like it.  Miracle.
  
• Wait?  Did I miss saying the name we've picked out? No...just choosing not to tell people until after he's born.  Or, if you want, you can ask the nice woman down at Noah's Bagels who sold me a chocolate chip bagel...she knows...and approves.
• For a large part of this pregnancy, I've felt disconnected from the baby.  It is somehow more difficult to daydream and build that anticipatory excitement about your second child.  This is, I'm sure, due to the usual cliches of "How will I love another baby as much as I love my first?" and "How will I spend enough quality time with two kids?"  I also think I can contribute it to not wanting to imagine another kid in the mix when the one you do have is (select one or more of the following) (a) going limp in the parking lot rather than holding your hand, (b) is screaming "by myself!" when you try to put him in his car seat,  (c) throwing his food/fork/placemat/silverware off the table, (d) refusing to take a nap (happening right now...as it has whenever I've decided to nap during his naptime), (e) wiggling all over the place during a terrifically messy diaper change, (f) biting you (this has recently reemerged--often directed at my stomach...any psychoanalysis here??), (g) having a temper tantrum, (h) running away from you while saying "run away!" (that's just to add "mocking" you to the frustration of outright disobedience), (i) throwing up on you after you've been in "mommy and me" class for a whole five minutes, (j) wanting you to hold them when you're really kind of tired of lugging around the ?? pounds [censored for self-esteem purposes] you can't ever put down.  Ummm...could continue but perhaps this is taking too negative a turn...
• With a c-section, you're not supposed to carry anything heavier than your baby for something like 6 weeks.  And, I guess, Hamilton's not my baby anymore...I see sad times ahead for both of us.
• I spent yesterday afternoon at Disneyland with Hamilton and his cousin Luke...surprisingly, not much harder with two than one. Whew! And it was actually a little more fun.  Will post separately about this adventure...
• Will my insane sweet/naughty food cravings I've been suffering from the last few weeks stop when the baby's here?  Fingers crossed my cravings turn to chicken breasts, protein smoothies, hunger pains, and vegetables.
• How long will it take to get back into shape/lose the weight.  Must actually TRY this time...not just wait for it to happen.
• What will he look like? Whom will he look like?  What will his personality be?
• Please, please be a good nighttime baby. Please, please, please...
• I cannot wait to be into "transition" rather than maternity clothes.  I'm down to about 2 outfits that allow me to leave the house with some pride intact and not feel too uncomfortable.  And a sidenote "shout-out" to my Gap maternity jeans.  I spent $80 on them, which seemed ridiculously wasteful at the time. Would have paid twice that much now that I've been living in them (and feeling not disgusting) for 5 months.
• I'm excited for Alex to do my regular activities with Hamilton when he's on paternity leave like music class and park day.
• Hope the baby is born healthy.  I worry the entire pregnancy...
• How will Hamilton deal with the new baby?  And related question: how much TV is he going to be watching the first couple months.  Argh...
• No kids under 18 are allowed to visit the hospital (thank you, H1N1).  I am really going to miss Hamilton, and I also feel horrible that after days of separation, I'll be returning with some competition.
• I have never been a "Let me hold your baby!!" type person, and feeling that on seeing some cute babies around started making me worried about being devoid of maternal feelings.  But then I remembered holding baby Hamilton and smelling his little head...not so worried anymore.
• I am determined to be more pro-active with my care at the hospital this time...walking and showering as soon as possible, staying on top of my pain meds, and resting as much as I can.
• I WILL be able to do this...I mean, I've kept Hamilton alive for over two years (and with only two ER visits!).
• Alex has been texting me daily for the last few days with the baby countdown and loving words for me. Soooooo appreciate that!  I really love that guy and know our kids are really lucky to have him as their daddy, so I promise not to be too jealous when this one ends up being a "Daddy's Boy" like Hamilton.

Wow, I guess I have a lot on my mind!  And guess who finally succumbed to his fatigue in the next room?  Hooray!