RIP Wallpaper

When I was in my last trimester with Hamilton, I applied those infamous "nesting" instincts to putting together Hamilton's nursery. This was much to Alex's chagrin, who was hoping the "nesting" would exhibit itself in the form of my cleaning out the garage, creating budget pie charts, keeping my closet under control, and developing an OCD obsession with dusting.  Sorry to disappoint, Honey.

Because Hamilton's room has such high ceilings, and we don't even own a step stool, I decided that a wallpaper border with new paint beneath it would have to do.  I know that wallpaper borders aren't really "in," but nurseries mostly just need to be cute, and I felt that there was a border out there somewhere that would fit the bill.  After quite a bit of searching, I found what I'd been imagining...hooray!  Then came the paint selection and the awesome Target curtain find...all of which tied in nicely with the only crib bedding I didn't find obnoxious (thank you, Land of Nod).  What a fabulous, cute bedroom for my little baby boy!

Fast forward one year or so...

Apparently, the nursery decor was a little too "baby" for my growing boy because he began peeling off the wallpaper.  I'm not even sure how he managed to begin--we actually did a pretty good job putting it up--but he did.  Travis likes to point out that the sites of said "wallpaper destruction" were places where Hamilton exerted the least control: around his crib and next to the diaper changing table.  Ok, makes sense...

But it drove me ABSOLUTELY crazy.  You know how we all have those "buttons" that when pushed turn us into irrational lunatics.  Hamilton's peeling of the wallpaper was it for me.  His blank look as he peeled a strip off while I was tackling a messy diaper caused his loving mommy to be replaced by a heartless OCD control freak.  How could he do this to me?  He's ruining the bedroom I worked hard to create!

Taking a (giant) step back, I realized the irony of the situation...my anger at the very person for whom I made the nursery in the first place.  Craziness.  However, Crazy Kate continued to exist, until enough of the wallpaper was down to require a room re-do.  Sidenote: Alex originally suggested replacing the border.  Ummm...duh?  Knowing that the wallpaper's life was over allowed me to let go and choose more worthy battles to fight with Hamilton...like holding my hand in the parking lot and not running down the driveway (both still works in progress *sigh*).  

And now, thanks to my very own personal house renovator Travis (hip hip hooray!), the bedroom has been redone, yet again, in anticipation of a newborn.  This time, though, with a fresh coat of paint throughout and sleeping spots for two boys.  I know the baby won't notice, but I am happier and more calm knowing that he has a lovely, fresh room to move into...not a second-hand wreck of one.

So, I guess I'm left with time to do some of that "real" nesting Alex dreams of....

10 Years

For some reason 10 year anniversaries are considered monumental.  Maybe because it's a nice round number, or maybe because it's equal to a decade.  Well, today marks the ten year anniversary of my mom's death.  It shouldn't feel any different than any other year, any other day, but it does somehow.  Ten years just sounds like a long time.  And that's how long I've gone without seeing or talking to one of the best friends I'll ever have.  Being pregnant with my second child also makes this year hard.  I really would have liked to be a mommy with my mom.  I feel like we would have known each other in a different, deeper way.  My mom would also have been the greatest, most fun grandma in the world, and it's so hard knowing what my boys (and Travis' boys) will grow up without.  I take a lot of comfort in seeing the understanding Luke (T's eldest) has about his Grandma Lu Ann.  In a very sweet way, she is part of his life, part of his family.  Since having Hamilton, I've often wondered, how can I give this to Hamilton? How do I teach him about her without putting some weird emotional burden on him?  These concerns were actually laid to rest the other day when Hamilton and I were playing in his room.

Hamilton, while holding a square block, says: "I'm taking a picture."  Awesome, imagination, right? :)

Me: "Oh, what are you taking pictures of?"

Hamilton: "I take picture of Travis.  I take picture of Gammy.  I take picture of Grandpa Phillip."

Me: "And Grandma Lu Ann? Do you know who Grandma Lu Ann is?"  I asked this as more of a sigh to myself then anything else.

Hamilton, very matter-of-factly: "Grandma Lu Ann makes cookies."

And she does indeed.  When I make my mom's cookies, Hamilton often helps.  As we're putting ingredients in the mixer, watching them blend, and spooning them onto cookie sheets, I'll talk to him about what yummy cookies she made and maybe even a little bit about her non-cookie side.  I really had no idea he was taking it all in.  So, I guess the answer to my concerns about my mom's absence in my and my children's lives is to talk about her and try to be even a little close to the mom Lu Ann Snyder was (and is) to me.  In Hamilton's blessing, Alex blessed him that he would be a comfort to me, with my mom especially in mind.  In trying to be a good mom to Hamilton, Grandma Lu Ann's grandson, I can keep her from feeling so far away....

I will keep baking cookies (classic chocolate chip on the docket today) but must also do one of the following: burn last batch, burn hot pad, leave oven on after finishing.

I will read books at bedtime...can't wait for "chapter books."

I will embarrass them by acting silly in public.

I will fill our house every year with Christmas spirit and torture them by saying "Christmas secrets" in a sing-song voice.

I will be nice to and thoughtful of others.

I will be faithful but honest about my struggles.

I will never be shy about being in love and kissing Alex when the kids are around.

I will have clear identities apart from mom (my mom: student, teacher, wife, friend)

I will have quilts and cookie jars in my house.

And, although, I'll enjoy wearing the heels my mom emancipated herself from, may not rock overalls too often, will never subject my kids to "potato bar," and my smile will never, ever be as big as hers, I will spend the rest of my mommy-hood trying to do what she did for our little family...

I will make sure that they always know my love is sure and unconditional.

Anticipating the New Year

Mondays tend to be the day for setting new goals and starting new routines.  Today is the first Monday of the new year, so it really is the ultimate Monday for beginning resolutions.  I, as usual, have a long list of things I'd like to do better: scripture reading, house organization, mommy-ing, budgeting, meal planning, getting in shape, and on and on.  However, with a new baby just six weeks away, I find myself looking at 2010 not with "a new year: a new you!" glasses, but more like "Oh my gosh...this year is going to be a little crazy.  Yikes!" ones.  So, rather than losing it, I've decided to make some pre-emptive strikes to prevent 2010 from overpowering me and, instead, emerge more empowered.  This blog will be one of them: a productive, creative outlet for the upcoming roller coaster year.  I also imagine putting the entries together and giving them to my boys when they get older: a record of our first year together.