10 Years

For some reason 10 year anniversaries are considered monumental.  Maybe because it's a nice round number, or maybe because it's equal to a decade.  Well, today marks the ten year anniversary of my mom's death.  It shouldn't feel any different than any other year, any other day, but it does somehow.  Ten years just sounds like a long time.  And that's how long I've gone without seeing or talking to one of the best friends I'll ever have.  Being pregnant with my second child also makes this year hard.  I really would have liked to be a mommy with my mom.  I feel like we would have known each other in a different, deeper way.  My mom would also have been the greatest, most fun grandma in the world, and it's so hard knowing what my boys (and Travis' boys) will grow up without.  I take a lot of comfort in seeing the understanding Luke (T's eldest) has about his Grandma Lu Ann.  In a very sweet way, she is part of his life, part of his family.  Since having Hamilton, I've often wondered, how can I give this to Hamilton? How do I teach him about her without putting some weird emotional burden on him?  These concerns were actually laid to rest the other day when Hamilton and I were playing in his room.

Hamilton, while holding a square block, says: "I'm taking a picture."  Awesome, imagination, right? :)

Me: "Oh, what are you taking pictures of?"

Hamilton: "I take picture of Travis.  I take picture of Gammy.  I take picture of Grandpa Phillip."

Me: "And Grandma Lu Ann? Do you know who Grandma Lu Ann is?"  I asked this as more of a sigh to myself then anything else.

Hamilton, very matter-of-factly: "Grandma Lu Ann makes cookies."

And she does indeed.  When I make my mom's cookies, Hamilton often helps.  As we're putting ingredients in the mixer, watching them blend, and spooning them onto cookie sheets, I'll talk to him about what yummy cookies she made and maybe even a little bit about her non-cookie side.  I really had no idea he was taking it all in.  So, I guess the answer to my concerns about my mom's absence in my and my children's lives is to talk about her and try to be even a little close to the mom Lu Ann Snyder was (and is) to me.  In Hamilton's blessing, Alex blessed him that he would be a comfort to me, with my mom especially in mind.  In trying to be a good mom to Hamilton, Grandma Lu Ann's grandson, I can keep her from feeling so far away....

I will keep baking cookies (classic chocolate chip on the docket today) but must also do one of the following: burn last batch, burn hot pad, leave oven on after finishing.

I will read books at bedtime...can't wait for "chapter books."

I will embarrass them by acting silly in public.

I will fill our house every year with Christmas spirit and torture them by saying "Christmas secrets" in a sing-song voice.

I will be nice to and thoughtful of others.

I will be faithful but honest about my struggles.

I will never be shy about being in love and kissing Alex when the kids are around.

I will have clear identities apart from mom (my mom: student, teacher, wife, friend)

I will have quilts and cookie jars in my house.

And, although, I'll enjoy wearing the heels my mom emancipated herself from, may not rock overalls too often, will never subject my kids to "potato bar," and my smile will never, ever be as big as hers, I will spend the rest of my mommy-hood trying to do what she did for our little family...

I will make sure that they always know my love is sure and unconditional.